Fear and Loathing in Me

On the drive to work this morning, I was thinking about my hesitation to do things and what really was holding me back.

I started linking ideas in my early morning fog of a brain and realized how strong and crushing the sense of fear can be to a person. Fear not only of failure but possibly even of success. And more importantly, I wondered what it would be like to not be afraid. What could I accomplish?

Recently, there was a web comic strip  where the character sold their soul to Satan to be successful in a sport. And they were successful as the story always goes. Then comes the twist: Satan didn’t really buy the soul. The power to do the thing was always in the character. High Fives all around.

Tie that with a song on the radio where the singer was trying to sell their soul but the devil wasn’t biting and had no interest. Which I would think would be improbable, but that’s a discussion for another day.

While I’m not about to go wandering off looking for the Prince of Darkness or some Crossroads Demon to strike a bargain for something, the intersection of those two thoughts got me wondering “What If?” in relation to fear.

Yesterday, were were having a discussion on how do we manage to take on a less than pleasant or possibly even hard task. Many ideas were presented from visualization of accomplishing the task to flat out ignoring it and hoping it goes away.

I find I often have Eureka moments when I realize what I need to do to get my life back on track and make everything all bright and shiny. Of course, it’s never at a point where I can immediately write down that plan. I get all psyched up for it and then…my brain starts getting in the way. Since most of these moments are while I’m lying in bed getting ready to sleep, I almost think the scared part of my brain goes to sleep first .

And now more than 12 hours later and being consistently busy at work, I’m beginning to realize how often Life gets in the way of my plans for it. :)

O Motivation, Where Art Thou?

Is the motivation to run same as regular motivation?

Is motivation one big thing with facets or an amalgamation of little ones?

What does it take to “get it back”? Does it ever leave?

These are the things I’m pondering these days.

To new beginnings!

After some template tweeking and a new photo, I guess I’m ready to start up this blog once again. (Although, I guess it was never used all that much.)


So, here I shall ramble about the new things in my life and things to come. Thinks that interest me and well…like it reads, “Random thoughts at random times.”


So bear with me and I hope you will be entertained at the very least. :)


I know it’s required. I know that it can be helpful.

HOWEVER, why am I doing paperwork to get something done that should have ALREADY been done for me?  I’m not speaking from a sense of entitlement.  It was stated this work would be done already.

Now I’m prodding you to do your work and you require ME to do paperwork?  Alas, I’ll have no choice but to do it.

Additional frustration comes from knowing that giving you all the information you want will not speed up the process.

Thank goodness we only move to a new building once.


Sooooo behind on posting. I probably have tons of things I *should* have posted but, just like my running, have been neglectful to do.

Tomorrow (today as I type) is my first of two upcoming Half Marathons and I’m woefully unprepared. Well, I think I can complete it…just not as well as originally planned. I thought a financial incentive would get me out of the house but it didn’t.

I must find my running mojo. Hopefully it’s a Florida Snowbird and will return soon!


Although I’m far from perfect, it’s truly annoying when simple things go off the rails.  We have a new person at work but we’re having ridiculous problems getting him in-processed since we’re a tenet of the organization we support (think subcontractor).  The people who should be able to fix it couldn’t, even though they’re supposedly in charge of all personnel on site.  Yeah…not so much.

It’s just getting him added to a database properly.  Everything else hangs off of that.  Badge, account…things he needs to get in the door and do his job are thwarted due to a process (that should be simple) not working properly.  There’s light at the end of the tunnel but now the system we’d need access is offline.  Yay!

Needless to say, I will be embracing this piddling frustration as motivation for my run this afternoon.  At least running is simple. ;)

Escapism versus a chore

While in Afghanistan, I really got back into running.  This despite having to wear the less than fashionable (or comfortable) Air Force PT gear.  For that hour plus, I was out of the office and could not worry about work.  I was at Bagram and there was a wonderful stretch of road called East Perimeter that had a lot less traffic and long, flat straights.  If you went around the base, it was just about 9 miles.  I did that a few time but usually just a 5 or 6 mile out and back.  There were giant vehicles to avoid and dust to inhale but in all it was  a great run.

Now I’m back in South Florida and work is not nearly as stressful.  Working normal 8 hour days instead of the 14-15 hours of Afghanistan.  So there’s no real need to “escape” like I did before.  Also, the temperature and humidity of the impending summer in South Florida also is making it more difficult.

Before I left, I would somehow drag myself out of bed before work and run in the morning while it was cool but humid.  Since I’ve returned I’ve been trying to run after work so that I can sleep in a bit.  It’s working but it’s hot and only slightly less humid.  I was usually half awake when I was running in the morning and could nearly trick myself into getting dressed and out the door.  Now I know it’s coming and try to talk myself out of it.

Where did the desire go?  I kept up the routine pretty well before Afghanistan and definitely was doing a great workout routine while there.  What do I do?  How do I convince myself to get back at it?  I don’t expect answers…at least, they need to come from myself not anyone who reads this.  I suppose I should just do it and keep at it until it becomes a habit.  Wouldn’t that make the most sense?

I guess we’ll see.  There’s a half marathon coming up later this year in Ft. Lauderdale.  Maybe I’ll sign up so I *have* to run or waste the money.  :D