Sense of Self as seen from the outside

Why are we our own worst critics?

Maybe that doesn’t happen to you. However, I always am the first to point out my faults and not always in that jokey self-deprecating way that some people do.

There’s nothing like job review time in conjunction with doing a little job browsing. I’m keenly aware of previous faults and failures while mentally trying to 180 my mindset to show how awesome I am and would be for [INSERT COMPANY] here.

I think maybe all folks are like this. Even if it’s not true, it consoles me to think this way.

I know that in today’s online world, it’s more than easy to put forward the appearance of a life that is more….well, just more. And I wish I was kinda good at that too.

Is it all about finding that One Thing and letting the rest of your life orbit around it? Or is just “faking it until you’re making it”  with the social media smoke and mirrors?

I know I want more.  I just wish I knew that I qualified for it instead of being unsure.



I keep thinking about registering a domain to place my thoughts and links and random stuff on.

Then I realize I barely post here. And I don’t Instagram. Or use Tumblr very much.

So why waste the money, right? Or might that give me just enough of a nudge to do something?


Why Isn’t There A Magic 8 Ball for Careers?

I am unfocused because I want to look at everything.

Okay, maybe that’s not exactly true.

I do know that in my job/career field of “Information Technology” there are so many directions to go and so many things that can be learned. There are numerous topics and jobs where you can really dive deep into the geek and specialize to a nearly insane level.

Do I want to focus on security? How about datacenters and virtualization? Process Improvement? <fill in the blank> architect? Database admin? CTO?

Yes, please. They all are appealing on various levels and wish I could do them all. (Well, I don’t know about CTO. It doesn’t seem like you’d do much more than have meetings and plan budgets. “No touching!”)

And while the usual advice of “take any job” and keep moving towards what you want seems logical, it can’t possibly be satisfying. I’m definitely not saying that finding that job you want to do for the rest of your life is going to be easy or that it will fall into your lap.

My question is what direction do I set off in on this life/career journey?

I’ve been leaning towards a Release Management type of job that sits in a funny spot between project management and operations. Basically, you oversee the development, testing, deployment and support of software releases. (I might have borrowed that definition from a website.)

While I haven’t done this work officially in the past (i.e. never a job title or part of my job description), I enjoyed several roles in my past where I was the “facilitator” of things ensuring resources were available and schedules were being met.

So maybe I have a focus after all.

That thing inside of us

Recently, I watched a History Channel show called “The Men Who Built America” and a repeated theme seemed to be the drive that these gentlemen (Rockefeller, Vanderbilt, Carnegie, Ford and J.P. Morgan) was what made them a success.

Now I’m not interested in analyzing their personalities or the financial and political situations that may have helped them end up as they did. I’m more curious as to that drive that the various folks from modern times talked about. It seems they had a drive to win more than just collect money and things. (Obviously money and things come with winning…usually.)

So where does that drive come from? Do we all have it? Is it stronger in some than others? I think the answer to the last question is a somewhat obvious Yes in that some folks go well beyond others in pursuit of a passion or a desire.

The point I’m taking a scenic tour to reach is that I wonder if that drive can be cultivated. Can you learn it later in life or do you have to be born/raised with it?

I really could use some Drive these days. While I had a great motto that I was going to try and live up to for 2015 (Do. The. Work.) I’m not sure it’s that simple. That DTW motto came from the (ongoing) realization that I’m a terrible procrastinator. I will often put off quick and easy tasks just because I can. (Maybe there’s some subconcious sense of lack of control I’m fighting.) Why that delay feels like an accomplishment is just silly…from a logical standpoint.

So I think I’m going to add a little bit to it:  Do The Work and THEN Play.

While I am improving my attention towards work that needs to be done, I’m finding myself bargaining with…myself in that when I first get up, I do something besides work while I’m eating breakfast. When breakfast ends, I’ll get to work right after I finish what I was doing. Which never happens.

I don’t think that knowing there is work to do is making me enjoy the play portion of my day any less. However, it might be more satisfying to have my To Do list done before starting.

So a reboot of my non New Years Resolution.

Let’s see how long I manage to make it work. (BTW, I haven’t yet and I thought about this last week.)

Fear and Loathing in Me

On the drive to work this morning, I was thinking about my hesitation to do things and what really was holding me back.

I started linking ideas in my early morning fog of a brain and realized how strong and crushing the sense of fear can be to a person. Fear not only of failure but possibly even of success. And more importantly, I wondered what it would be like to not be afraid. What could I accomplish?

Recently, there was a web comic strip  where the character sold their soul to Satan to be successful in a sport. And they were successful as the story always goes. Then comes the twist: Satan didn’t really buy the soul. The power to do the thing was always in the character. High Fives all around.

Tie that with a song on the radio where the singer was trying to sell their soul but the devil wasn’t biting and had no interest. Which I would think would be improbable, but that’s a discussion for another day.

While I’m not about to go wandering off looking for the Prince of Darkness or some Crossroads Demon to strike a bargain for something, the intersection of those two thoughts got me wondering “What If?” in relation to fear.

Yesterday, were were having a discussion on how do we manage to take on a less than pleasant or possibly even hard task. Many ideas were presented from visualization of accomplishing the task to flat out ignoring it and hoping it goes away.

I find I often have Eureka moments when I realize what I need to do to get my life back on track and make everything all bright and shiny. Of course, it’s never at a point where I can immediately write down that plan. I get all psyched up for it and then…my brain starts getting in the way. Since most of these moments are while I’m lying in bed getting ready to sleep, I almost think the scared part of my brain goes to sleep first .

And now more than 12 hours later and being consistently busy at work, I’m beginning to realize how often Life gets in the way of my plans for it. 🙂

To new beginnings!

After some template tweeking and a new photo, I guess I’m ready to start up this blog once again. (Although, I guess it was never used all that much.)


So, here I shall ramble about the new things in my life and things to come. Thinks that interest me and well…like it reads, “Random thoughts at random times.”


So bear with me and I hope you will be entertained at the very least. 🙂